Crazy.

Now and again I find myself in these ‘states’ of being. States of over analyzing/thinking/feeling a completely insignificant situation. Sometimes there’s triggers and sometimes it’s nothing at all.

The thing about these times is I know it’s happening, I’m aware of it. I can feel it in my stomach, I can hear it when I speak.

I know that what I need to do is just stop, but it’s really not that simple. I want to and I try SO hard. I exercise until I can’t walk. I read self help body, mind, soul all the guru articles and books. I try to meditate,

“I can’t tell the difference between meditating and silent inner shrieking” – Ryan Reynolds

I take a bath and watch TV anything to try switch off or snap out of the mood. Sometimes some of these things work, but not always.

In the times that it doesn’t work all I can do is ride it out. The process for that consists of feeling extremely low and not being able to enjoy anything. Leaving the house makes me so anxious I can’t breath. Becoming paranoid that people can see it. I lose my appetite or eat too much. The thinking just turns into a feeling. That empty pit in your stomach feeling. All I want to do is stay in bed. There are times I can’t even empty the bin In case someone see’s me. Everyone’s watching me. Of course they’re not. I know that, but I don’t feel it.

Eventually all of this builds up the lack of sleep and constant brain activity takes it’s toll. Somethings gotta give. I’ll feel that lump in my throat pushed to the point of emotional physical combustion.

I’ll go home and smile as I tuck  my son into bed as normal. Once I’m alone I’ll let the lump out. Sobbing like a baby or someone who actually has a reason too. After a time the tiredness hits, defeated by my curse to overthink and feel things that aren’t there.

The next morning I’ll awake with a pep in my step. Feeling great, super motivated and ready to take on the world!

Until the next time when it creeps up again. The crazy.